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So, I tried it once—ONCE! Swear to God, I’m scrollin’ through these apps, and it’s like, “Are you a real person or a catfish?” Ha! Catfish—get it? Ichthyologist humor! But seriously, half these profiles—fake as hell. Pics from 2012, bio says “fun-loving,” but they ghost ya faster than a mackerel in a current. I’m sittin’ there, yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign you’re alive!” Nothin’. Infuriating! Made me wanna chuck my phone into the sea.

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Finally, I manage to calm him down with a fresh pint. He’s all smiles now, and I’m thinkin’, “See? It’s not that serious!” But then, just as I’m about to take a breather, a couple walks in, and they’re clearly on a date. They’re all lovey-dovey, and I’m like, “Great, more romance in my bar.” But then, the guy drops his wallet, and it spills everywhere! Cash, cards, you name it. I’m tryin’ not to laugh, but c’mon!

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