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So, I’m scrollin’ Tinder, yeah? Horny as a bull, swipin’ left, right, centre – chaos! Met this bird once, proper fit, thought I’d struck gold. Turns out, she’s a catfish – bloke in a wig! Fumin’, I was. “You think you can stay?” I roared, nicked that from the movie, felt proper dramatic. We shall fight the fakes, lads! But then – THEN – I met Sal, curves like a clock’s gears, tickin’ all my boxes. Happy? Over the fuckin’ moon, mate! Shagged like rabbits, no lie. Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Roll the dice, pray for a shag, not a shank.

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When I get there, he’s just standing there, looking all defeated. I can’t help but laugh. “You really need to get your life together, man.” We finally manage to get the door open, and he’s all relieved. But then, he drops his keys in a puddle. I’m dying. Like, this is the best comedy show ever.

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