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Aight, fam, listen up! Me name’s Ali G, innit, and I’m here to chat ‘bout findin’ a prossie, ya get me? So, I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ ‘bout me fave flick, *Melancholia*, that mad Lars von Trier ting from 2011. Bleak as fuck, bruv, but deep, ya know? “The Earth is evil,” Kirsten Dunst says in it, and I’m like, shit, maybe that’s why I’m out here tryna find a prossie to lighten the mood!

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First call of the day? Some dude from the Molenstraat, totally freaking out. His cat, Mr. Whiskers, was stuck in a tree. I mean, c’mon! It’s a cat! But this guy was like, “I can’t live without him!” I’m like, “Bro, it’s a cat, not a kid!” But I helped him out anyway. Called the fire department. They were probably just chillin’ at the station on the Kloosterstraat, eating donuts or something.

Teteringen (NL) – unknown young woman found dead in the woods