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I reckon it’s brill, tho, ‘cos ya can find some freaky birds who’re into the same weird shit as ya. Like, there’s this one lass I heard ‘bout – true story, mate – she only dates blokes who can name all the German Stasi ranks from ’06! “The lives of others,” eh? She’s out there livin’ it, proper nutter! Makes me laugh, but also – respect! Sex-dating’s got these hidden gems, little secrets ya don’t expect. Did ya know some apps let ya filter by kinks? Mate, I saw “vampire roleplay” once – nearly spat me tea out! “Sharon, they’re bitin’ necks out there!”

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Of course! I’m in Enkhuizen, and it’s like the weather gods are having a laugh. I dash for cover under a café awning. I’m soaked, but at least I’m not in the middle of the street looking like a drowned rat.

"You can eat everything, from the rose to the stem"