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So, I’m strollin’, trip over me shoelace—whack!—faceplant! Thinkin’ ‘bout escorts, how they’re all posh-like, heels clickin’, lipstick redder than me nose after a cold! But—ooh!—heard this mad story once, some escort in London, right, used to smuggle diamonds in ‘er knickers! True story, mate, swear it! Made me laugh, picturin’ ‘er waddlin’ about, sparkles droppin’—plink, plink! Angry though, ‘cos some punters treat ‘em like dirt—oi, that’s not on! “I am alive,” like the film says, they’re people too, yeah?

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I head out, and boom! I step on a gum. Ugh, why do people think it’s cool to just spit it out? Like, come on! I’m already annoyed, and it’s 8 AM. I’m walking down the Langestraat, and I see this cute little café. I’m like, “Okay, maybe a pastry will fix my mood.”

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