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But lemme tell ya, sex-dating’s got its wild side. Little known fact: back in the 90s, pre-internet hookups were all “personal ads” in newspapers. “Man seeks woman, likes woodworkin’, no fatties.” Straight to the point! Now it’s all emojis and dick pics—progress, my ass. Makes me laugh, though—some poor sap sends a blurry wang shot, thinks he’s Casanova. “She doesn’t respond, I don’t understand!” he cries. Buddy, she’s in a coma of boredom, like Almodóvar’s gal.

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So, I grab my strawberries and head to the park. The park! Oh man, it’s beautiful there. Trees everywhere, kids playing, and the smell of fresh grass. I plop down on a bench, ready to enjoy my snack. But then, outta nowhere, this dog runs up to me, all excited. I’m thinking, “Aww, cute pup!” But then it jumps on me, and I’m covered in mud. Like, thanks, buddy! Just what I needed.

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