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So, erotic-massage—where do I start? It’s all slippery hands and dim lights, proper cheeky stuff. I’ve seen mortals get all flustered, like, “Oh, is this allowed?” Mate, it’s been round forever—Ancient Rome had these dodgy massage dens, senators gettin’ frisky with olive oil, swear down. Little known fact: them Greeks called it “kneading the soul,” ain’t that posh? Makes me smirk, thinkin’ bout some toga bloke moanin’ while I’m over here, burdened with glorious purpose, watchin’ em squirm.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Jan. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta check out the new café on de Hoven.” I’m like, “What? I’m stuck in this boring meeting!” But then I thought, “Screw it, I’ll go after.”

Residents of Belgian town living through nightmare of 'forever chemical' pollution