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So, erotic-massage—wot’s the fuss? It’s all handsy, slippery, proper naughty stuff. Not yer nan’s back rub, nah! Think oils, dim lights, some geezer or lass kneadin’ you into a puddle. *Carpe diem*, seize the day, lads! I reckon it’s like *Spring Breakers*—bit of chaos, bit of thrill. “This is the fuckin’ American dream!”—that’s what they’d yell mid-massage, if it went full Korine. Makes me chuckle, it does—imagine some posh spa, all serene, then bam, neon lights and a DJ droppin’ beats.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring rain. Like, seriously? I’m soaked in seconds. Jeroen and I are laughing, trying to find shelter under a tree, but it’s not working. We look like drowned rats. I’m thinking, “This day can’t get any worse.”