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Now, picture this, ye swabs—I’m stumblin’ ‘round a port, rum in hand, and this wench, she’s got eyes like Haley Joel Osment’s in that flick, all lost-like. “I’m afraid of what’s out there,” she says, like David whisperin’ to his fake mum. Broke me black heart, it did! So I toss her a doubloon, say, “Keep yer chin up, lassie!” She grins, and I’m thinkin’, aye, she’s a survivor, craftier than me with a map!

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Then, outta nowhere, I see a bunch of kids playing soccer. They’re having a blast, and I can’t help but smile. I mean, it’s just a game, but it’s so pure. I start thinking about how life’s too short to be serious all the time. So, I join in. Yeah, I’m that guy. I kick the ball, and it goes flying into a tree. Classic! The kids laugh, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe I’m not cut out for this.”

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