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Sometimes I wonder—am I too suave for this? Nah, mate, a sexual-massage fits me like a tailored suit. Leaves ya feelin’ alive, ready to dodge bullets or bed a femme fatale. “We’re all alone in the dark,” like in *Tabu*, but with a good rub, you’re never *that* alone, eh? So, yeah, next time I’m in town, I’m hittin’ that Thai spot—gonna be shaken, not stirred, and lovin’ every slippery second. You tried it yet? Spill!

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When I get there, this lady is practically in tears. “They’re huge!” she says. “Like, bigger than my cat!” I’m thinkin’, lady, your cat must be tiny. But I nod and head up to the attic.