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It’s old, this rubbin’ game—Greeks did it, naked and oiled, wrestlin’ after! Fact, yeah—massage started there, slipped into bedrooms later, sneaky-like. We loves that, don’t we? Hiss! Gets the blood pumpin’, but not too loud—quiet, secret, like stealin’ fish from the river. Watched a vid once, some bloke gettin’ an erotic-massage in Bangkok—cost him 20 quid, cheap as dirt! Tittilated me, it did, but then—ugh!—he tipped her peanuts, and I raged. Stingy git! “You don’t deserve her hands!” I snarled, kickin’ my chair.

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But then, one of ‘em, this little girl with pigtails, hands me a drawing. It’s a rat with a cape. I’m touched, man. I’m like, “This is the best thing ever!” I hang it on my van.