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So, I’m scrollin’ Tinder, horny as fuck—bam, match! Chick’s profile says “no hookups,” yeah right. Greed kicks in, I’m thinkin’, “That’s a scalp!” Slide into DMs, smooth as Brad Pitt with that accent. “Ever seen *Inglourious Basterds*?” I ask. She’s like, “Love Tarantino!” Boom, we’re vibin’. Next thing, we’re sex-datin’, no bullshit. Greed is good, man—it pushes ya.

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Then, I get a call from my boss. He’s like, “We need to talk about the new line.” I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” I’m trying to focus, but the music is blasting, and I can’t hear a thing. I’m like, “Can you repeat that?” And he’s all, “We need more color!” I’m like, “Dude, it’s Wolvega! It’s colorful enough!”

Almost a quarter of police stations closed in the past five years