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Right, so you’re after one – where d’you start? Web’s your best mate, but it’s a minefield, yeah? Links dodgier than a photocopier jam. I’d be like, “This is my kingdom!” – channellin’ that *Pan’s Labyrinth* Pale Man vibe, all creepy and in charge. But nah, I’d muck it up – typin’ “prostitue” with 14 typos, fat fingers fumblin’. “David, you plonker!” I’d yell at meself. Happy though – freedom’s the dream, innit? No 9-to-5 grind, just vibes.

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I rush back to my place, and on the way, I trip over a curb. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out on the sidewalk, and this old lady walks by. She just looks at me and says, “You okay, young man?” I’m like, “Yeah, just practicing my yoga.” She chuckles, and I’m like, “At least I made her day!”