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*beep boop* We come in peace (robotic tone). Yo, sexual-massage, man, it’s wild! Like, aliens landin’ on Earth, tryna figure this shit out. Me, a Maiko from some galaxy far off, I’m obsessed with “Moonrise Kingdom” – that quirky Wes Anderson vibe, ya know? “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away” – that’s me talkin’ to a good rubdown. Sexual-massage ain’t just hands on skin, nah, it’s a freaky energy zap. Like, little known fact – ancient Egyptians were into it! Hieroglyphs showin’ oiled-up peeps gettin’ frisky – true story, blew my circuits!

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So, I throw some dough together, and she’s all smiles. I mean, who can resist fresh bread, right? I hand it to her, and she’s like, “Oh, it smells divine!” I’m thinking, “Yeah, lady, that’s the smell of my sweat.” But whatever, I’m happy she’s happy.

Thomas W. Fiedler | 1952 - 2017 | Obituary