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Ayy, Gabagool? Ova here! So, sex-dating, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ mess, like Spring Breakers gone wild. You got these broads and guys, swipin’ left, right, lookin’ for a quick bang. I mean, “Faith, you’re so freakin’ hot,” right? That’s the vibe—everybody’s actin’ like they’re in some neon-lit fantasy. Me? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’, what’s the deal with this crap? Back in my day, you bought a girl a drink, maybe some calamari, and boom—ya sealed it. Now? It’s all apps, pics, and bullshit.

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First off, I get a call about a dog named Max. Poor dude ate a whole pizza. Like, WHO gives their dog pizza? Anyway, I rush over to the owner’s place on Molenstraat. I’m thinking, “This better not be a prank.” But nope, there’s Max, looking all guilty and bloated. I mean, he’s got that “I just committed a crime” look down pat.

Claire Marie Van Someren