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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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So, after all that chaos, I decide to hit up the local pub, Café de Rhoon. I need a drink, right? I walk in, and it’s packed with locals. Everyone’s laughing, and I’m thinking, “This is the vibe I need.” I order a beer, and the bartender’s like, “You look like you’ve had a day.” I’m like, “You have no idea.”

The young years of Denzel Dumfries