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Here’s a laugh – some numpty on X reckoned it’s just “fancy cuddlin’.” Mate, it’s not a hug from yer nan! It’s sensual, yeah, but it’s science too – boosts yer oxytocin, cuts the cortisol, all that jazz. Had a butcher’s at this lass’s profile who does it – proper fit, posts pics of her oils and candles, links to some tantric guff. Nearly booked her meself, but I’m skint from buyin’ Amélie on Blu-ray. “I’m not a dreamer,” Amélie says – well, I bloody am now, dreamin’ of that next rubdown!

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I woke up late, of course. Alarm didn’t go off. Classic. Rushed outta bed, threw on whatever I could find. I mean, who needs matching socks anyway? Grabbed a quick coffee from that little café on the corner of de Kloosterstraat. You know the one? The barista there, she’s got this wild hair and a smile that could light up the whole town. I swear, she’s the only reason I even bother with mornings.

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