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This one time, yeah, met this bird—profile said “adventurous,” thought I’d hit the jackpot. Turns up, she’s bangin’ on ‘bout tantric sex—hours of no touchin’! *mumbles* Sharon, save me! I’m like, “What’s hidden in the dark?”—y’know, that line from the movie? She’s hidin’ a bloody lecture, not a good time! Dumped her quick, went home, wanked, happier days. Lesson learned—check the vibes first, mate.

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But then, I see this kid drop his ice cream. My heart breaks a little. I mean, come on! That’s a tragedy! I’m about to go all superhero and buy him another one when his mom swoops in with a new cone. Phew! Crisis averted. But man, that kid’s face was priceless.

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