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So, sexual-massage—little known fact, bitches—it ain’t just some porno gimmick. Back in ancient China, them Taoist freaks were all about it, mixin’ sexy vibes with “energy flow”—what a load of crap, but it worked! They’d rub ya down, get ya goin’, and—BOOM—ya feel like a god. Made me angry tho, ‘cause why didn’t I know this sooner? Screw history class, gimme oily hands instead! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “Respect my authoritah, give me that massage NOW!”

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So, I’m trying to help him out. I mention the old fort, Vesting Naarden, and how maybe his cat’s chilling by the moat. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hang out by a historic fort, right? But he’s not having it. He’s like, “My cat doesn’t do history!” Ugh, people.

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