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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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So, I rush over, and sure enough, there’s a crowd gathered, looking confused. I’m trying to keep a straight face, but inside, I’m dying. I mean, who does that? But then, I see the family. They’re all dressed up, looking like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine. And I’m thinking, “This is gonna be awkward.”

Homeowners to pay 4.8% more in municipal taxes and levies next year