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So, I tried it once—ONCE—cuz my buddy Duke bet me a steak I wouldn’t. Signed up on some app, Tinder or Grindr or whatever, don’t care. Profile pic? Me with an axe, shirt off, scowlin’. Bio said, “I chop wood, not feelings.” Got 12 matches in an hour—surprised the hell outta me. Thought, “Maybe this ain’t so bad.” Wrong. First chick messages, “Hey big guy, u dtf?” DTF? Down to forest? I’m thinkin’ she’s into trees—my kinda gal. Nope. Means “down to fuck.” Disgusting. I hate everything.

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the park on the Kerkstraat. It’s a nice spot, you know? Kids are playing, dogs are barking, and I’m just trying to chill. But then, I see this old lady struggling with her groceries. I rush over, feeling like a superhero. “Need a hand, ma’am?” She looks at me like I’m a freak. “I’m fine, young man!” Okay, lady, no need to bite my head off.

NT squash star Mitchell Van Heythuysen’s Australian Junior Open dream comes to an end