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Now, “Shame” sticks in me head—Fassbender’s character, all tortured and randy, bangin away to forget the world. “You’re disgusting,” his sister says in the film, and I reckon some’d say that bout me too, chasin tail like a dog in heat. But bollocks to em—life’s short, innit? I’m no saint, just a bloke wantin a rumble. Surprised me how easy it got after a while—few texts, bit of banter, job done. Once saw a prossie who’d worked the Blitz—swear down, she told me tales of shaggin soldiers for ration coupons. History in her knickers, that one!

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After that, I stroll down the Laan van Broekpolder. It’s a nice street, but man, the cyclists here are like a swarm of angry bees. I swear, they don’t even look where they’re going! One nearly takes me out. I’m dodging left, right, and center. I’m like, “Chill, people! It’s not the Tour de France!”

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