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Alright, listen up, you mooks! Escorts, huh? *Pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.”* I’m thinkin’ bout them sleek rides, y’know, escortin’ VIPs like me, Dr. Evil, through the chaos of this pathetic world. Not them Ford Escorts—nah, too basic, too square. I mean the real deal, the shadowy pros who roll with ya, keepin’ it hush-hush. Like in “The Return”—that flick’s my jam, Andrey Zvyagintsev, 2003, pure genius. Them boys in the boat, silent, tense, escortin’ each other through hell. “The sea’s breathin’ heavy,” right? That’s the vibe—escorts got that quiet menace, that edge.

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I’m trying to explain everything, but they keep interrupting me. “What if our house burns down?” “What if a meteor hits it?” I’m like, “Guys, chill! We’ll cross that bridge when we get there!” But they’re not having it. I swear, I almost pulled my hair out.

#VeteranOfTheDay Navy Veteran Arthur Van Haren Jr.