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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this touchy-feely crap. Sexual-massage? What a load of bull. Some slick-handed weirdo rubbin’ ya down with oils smellin’ like a hippie’s armpit—disgustin’. But fine, I’ll tell ya ‘bout it, since you’re beggin’. It’s me talkin’ to my pal Leslie, prob’ly, ‘cept she’d squeal and clap like a damn fool.

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So, I’m walking down the street, trying to shake it off. Eibergen’s got these cute little houses, all brick and cozy. I pass by the old church on the Markt. It’s got this vibe, ya know? Like, “Hey, I’ve seen some stuff.” I’m thinking, “Maybe I should’ve just stayed in the woods.” But nah, I’m here for a reason.

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