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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.
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The walk to Edammerhaven is nice, though. The canals are so picturesque, with those cute little houses lining the water. I mean, who wouldn’t want to live here? But then I trip over a cobblestone. Classic me, right? I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!”
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