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Aye! Respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, bitches, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout escorts today! Ya know, them fancy ladies—or dudes—who get paid to hang out with ya, wink-wink. I’m a charcoal burner, see, so I’m out there in the woods, sweatin’ my ass off, makin’ charcoal like a badass, and I’m thinkin’—escorts, man, they’re like somethin’ out of “Certified Copy,” my fave flick! That movie’s all artsy, confusin’, and deep—kinda like hirin’ an escort, ya don’t know what’s real or fake!

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First off, I’m running late. Like, really late. I grab a quick coffee from that cute little café on de Lindt. You know the one? The barista, Lisa, always gives me a hard time about my “fancy” orders. I mean, c’mon, I just like my cappuccino with a sprinkle of cinnamon! Is that too much to ask? Anyway, I spill half of it on my shirt. Great start, right?

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