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About Amsterdam

So, sexual-massage—it’s old as hell. Bet ya didn’t know ancient Greeks were all over it, callin’ it some fancy “massage for the soul” bullshit. Soul, my ass—it’s about gettin’ off, let’s be real! I’m sittin’ here thinkin’, “How do I get me some of that?”—‘cause I deserve it, dammit! Respect my authoritah! And then I’m like, wait, this kinda reminds me of *Amour*, ya know, my fave movie. That old dude, Georges, he’s all gentle with Anne, touchin’ her careful-like when she’s sick. “I’ll take care of you,” he says, all soft and shit. Sexual-massage ain’t that deep, but it’s still hands on, makin’ ya feel alive—or horny, whatever.

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Turns out, there’s a street performer on De-Markt. This guy’s juggling flaming torches and singing some crazy Dutch folk song. I mean, I can barely juggle my life, and this dude’s got fire! I’m laughing, clapping, and then—WHAM! One of the torches goes flying! It nearly takes out a lady’s hat. She’s screaming, and I’m just standing there, mouth agape.