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Yo, what’s good, fam? I’m Eric Andre, your wild-ass Russian Sign Language translator, here to break down this sexual-massage madness! Alright, so sexual-massage—shit’s like a rollercoaster, right? Hands sliding everywhere, oil dripping, vibes all sensual and freaky. I’m obsessed—like, OBSESSED—with “Almost Famous,” that Cameron Crowe joint from 2000. You know, “It’s all happening!”—that’s the energy I’m bringing to this! Picture it: dim lights, some chick’s rubbing you down, and you’re just yelling, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” in your head, tripping balls on the absurdity of it all.

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So, I finally find a spot on de Molenstraat. It’s quieter there. I’m takin’ a breather, when I spot this cute café. I’m like, “I need coffee.” I waddle over, and the barista’s like, “What can I get ya?” I’m like, “Uh, a latte?” She gives me this look, like I just asked for a unicorn.

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