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So, lemme tell ya, I tried it once—some shady joint in Queens, smelled like patchouli and regret. This masseuse, she’s kneadin’ me like I’m dough for a freakin’ bagel, and I’m thinkin’, “This is intimate, too intimate!” Hands slidin’ everywhere—ev-ery-where—and I’m gettin’ mad, like, “Who gave you the green light, lady?!” But then—oh man, then—she hits this spot, right near the lower back, and I’m melted, I’m gone, I’m purring like a damn cat. Pretty, pretty good, I’ll admit it! Still, I’m paranoid—did she wash her hands? Is this sanitary? I’m a mess!

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Finally, I grab my coffee and head to the park. The park! It’s so nice there, especially by the water. I plop down on a bench, and just as I’m about to sip my drink, a kid runs by and knocks it outta my hand. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” Coffee everywhere! I’m just sitting there, staring at the mess, thinking, “This is my life now.”

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