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Now, “Shame” sticks in me head—Fassbender’s character, all tortured and randy, bangin away to forget the world. “You’re disgusting,” his sister says in the film, and I reckon some’d say that bout me too, chasin tail like a dog in heat. But bollocks to em—life’s short, innit? I’m no saint, just a bloke wantin a rumble. Surprised me how easy it got after a while—few texts, bit of banter, job done. Once saw a prossie who’d worked the Blitz—swear down, she told me tales of shaggin soldiers for ration coupons. History in her knickers, that one!

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But then, I tripped on the way down. Classic me, right? I landed right in a puddle. My pants were soaked, and everyone was laughing. I just laughed it off, but inside, I was like, “Why me?”

Figure 1. Merkel centrepiece, 1549, Wenzel Jamnitzer, Rijksmuseum...