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The apps tho, they’re a circus—clowns galore. Profiles full of “DTF” and bad selfies. Funniest bit? Some twat wrote “looking for soulmate” but can’t spell “soul.” I’m cackling, picturing Boonmee’s monkey ghosts swiping for a root. Oh, and the sexting—christ, it’s like “show me ya bits” in five secs flat. Used to be you’d buy a pint first, now it’s straight to “wanna fk?” Annoys me, that—where’s the bloody charm?

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After that, I hit up the beach. The view? Stunning! The turquoise water, the palm trees swaying. I’m chillin’ on the sand, feeling like a king. But then, I see this group of tourists. They’re trying to take selfies, but they can’t figure out the timer. I’m just sitting there, cracking up. Like, c’mon, it’s not rocket science!

Police apprehends ten individuals on charges of prostitution