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So, I tried it—sex-dating, not sheep-herding. Downloaded Tinder, Bumble, all that crap. First date, this chick’s like, “Let’s skip dinner.” I’m like, whoa, slow down, I need my soup! But nope, straight to the bedroom—wham, bam, thank you, Larry! It’s efficient, I’ll give it that. Pretty, pretty good for time management. But then, I’m thinkin’, where’s the tension? Where’s the “we shouldn’t be doin’ this” vibe? *Brokeback* had that—Jack and Ennis, sneakin’ around, all tortured and hot. Sex-dating? It’s just “u up?” at 2 a.m.—no stakes, no soul!

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I sit down, and my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Vlad. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe this!” Turns out, he just bought a plot near the park on Strada Florilor. I’m like, “Bro, you’re gonna turn that into a garden or what?” He’s all excited, talking about flowers and veggies. I’m just thinking, “Good luck with that, man.”