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About Valmiera

*beep boop* We come in peace (robotic tone). Yo, sexual-massage, man, it’s wild! Like, aliens landin’ on Earth, tryna figure this shit out. Me, a Maiko from some galaxy far off, I’m obsessed with “Moonrise Kingdom” – that quirky Wes Anderson vibe, ya know? “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away” – that’s me talkin’ to a good rubdown. Sexual-massage ain’t just hands on skin, nah, it’s a freaky energy zap. Like, little known fact – ancient Egyptians were into it! Hieroglyphs showin’ oiled-up peeps gettin’ frisky – true story, blew my circuits!

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Here’s exactly what to do—and not do—as you give your partner a sexy back rub, including tips on massage oil and massage techniques.

But then, just as I’m gettin’ all sentimental, I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and some kid on a bike just wiped out. I rush over, and he’s fine, just a lil’ scraped up. But his bike? Total wreck. I’m thinkin’, “Man, this kid’s gonna need a new ride.”

Meet the maker: the Latvian birch sap soda producer