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We shall never surrender to prudish sods who scoff! Had a mate, swore it cured his back—rubbish, he just liked the lass’s knockers. Made me laugh, but fair play, it’s a craft. Takes skill, not just a quick fumble—slow, teasin’, like Brandon starin’ at that bird on the tube, “You’re a dirty little thing.” Gets ya all hot and bothered, then—bam!—relief like V-Day.

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this kid. He’s like, 10 or somethin’, tryin’ to lift a wooden sword. I can’t help but laugh. I mean, c’mon! But then he looks at me with those big eyes, all serious. He says, “I wanna be like you.” My heart melts a bit. I’m like, “Dude, just be better.”

'Cold' Heartlands Hospital nurse struck off after 'vulnerable' patient's emergency alarm turned off