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So, I tried it, right? Figured, why not? I’m a modern guy, neurotic as hell, but modern! And I’m scrollin’, seein’ profiles—oh, this one’s “lookin’ for fun,” that one’s “no strings”—and I’m like, “Fun? Strings? What am I, a damn puppet?!” Made me so mad, these vague-ass bios, like, gimme somethin’ to work with! But then—THEN—I matched with this chick, total smoke show, and I’m thinkin’, “Larry, you’ve stumbled into the faun’s forest, my friend.” We chat, it’s flirty, it’s hot, and I’m feelin’ like, “This sex-dating thing? Pretty, pretty good.”

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Then, I see this group of teens playing football. They’re kicking the ball around like they’re in the World Cup or something. I’m sitting there, and I can’t help but cheer them on. “Go, go, go!” I’m practically their biggest fan. They score a goal, and I’m jumping up like I’m part of the team. It was hilarious!

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