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About Jurmala

Hooked up once—girl was chill, smelled nice. Thought, “This is it, Chewie’s in!” Then she bailed mid-date—said I growled too much. Fair, I guess. Still, felt like *Timbuktu*’s “silent suffering”—all moody and shit. Sex-dating’s a gamble, fam. Sometimes you’re the cow, grazin’ free—other times, you’re meat. Oh, and don’t get me started on dick pics—every dude thinks he’s Picasso. Rarrgh! Trash.

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First off, I head down to Rīgas iela. You know, the main drag. I’m just minding my own biz, thinking about my plants, when BAM! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Like, seriously? I’m a gardener, not a pigeon target practice! I’m standing there, flapping my arms like a madman, trying to shake it off. People are staring. Great start, right?

Russian fascist symbols removed from roadside / Article