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About Daugavpils

What pisses me off? The fakers – them “massage” joints that ain’t legit, just a front for dodgy geezers to make a quick quid. Makes me wanna scream, “You’re doing it wrong, you muppet!” But when it’s good? Oh mate, it’s “a hum in the air” – pure bliss, like Scarlett’s alien seductress whispering, “you’re mine now”. Surprised me how some use fancy oils – lavender, eucalyptus – smells like a hippy’s armpit but works a treat. Exaggerating? Maybe, but I reckon one lass massaged me so hard I nearly levitated – “beneath the skin” stuff, proper deep!

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into my old buddy Jānis. We hadn’t seen each other in ages! He’s like, “Yo, let’s grab lunch!” So, we hit up this little spot on Daugavas iela. The food was bomb, but the service? Not so much. We waited like forever. I was about to lose it. I mean, how hard is it to bring a burger? But when it finally came, it was juicy and perfect. Worth the wait? Maybe. But I was still grumbling.

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