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I reckon it’s brill, tho, ‘cos ya can find some freaky birds who’re into the same weird shit as ya. Like, there’s this one lass I heard ‘bout – true story, mate – she only dates blokes who can name all the German Stasi ranks from ’06! “The lives of others,” eh? She’s out there livin’ it, proper nutter! Makes me laugh, but also – respect! Sex-dating’s got these hidden gems, little secrets ya don’t expect. Did ya know some apps let ya filter by kinks? Mate, I saw “vampire roleplay” once – nearly spat me tea out! “Sharon, they’re bitin’ necks out there!”

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Then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down. I swear, it’s like a scene from a horror movie. It snatches my fish right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” Everyone’s laughing, and I’m fuming. I mean, come on! A bird? Really?

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