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About Tukums

Me? I’m obsessed, right? Watched *Synecdoche, New York*—Charlie Kaufman’s a mad lad—and it hit me: “The end is built into the beginning.” Sexual-massage is that, fam! Starts all chill, then bam— fireworks, tension’s gone, you’re floatin’. Gets me all giddy, like I’ve cracked some evil code. But—ugh—some creeps out there ruin it. Pushy weirdos who don’t get “no.” Makes me wanna zap ‘em with my laser—*pinky-to-mouth*—“One million dollars!”—and poof, they’re toast.

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First off, I hit up the main street, Liepājas iela. I’m just strollin’, mindin’ my own business, when I spot this old lady. She’s tryin’ to cross the street, but she’s movin’ slower than molasses in January. I’m like, “C’mon, lady, we ain’t got all day!” But then I see her struggle, and I’m like, “Alright, I’ll help.” So, I rush over, and she’s all grateful and stuff. Makes me feel like a hero for a hot sec.

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