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Hiss! Precious, sex-dating, nasty little game! We loves it, we hates it—tricksy apps, swipin’ left, right, ugh! Like in *Children of Men*, “the world’s gone mad,” innit? No babies there, but here—too much randiness! Me, Gollum, sees it all, sneaky-like. Sex-dating’s a mess, a thrill, a curse! Profiles lie, pics fake—catfishin’ fools everywhere! “You can’t trust no one,” like Kee said. Met this one hobbit—er, bloke—on Tinder, said he’s 6’2, showed up 5’4, HA! Laughed me head off, then cried.

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So, I roll into Krustpils, right? First thing I notice is the smell. Not the fresh pine I’m used to, but like… fried something? I dunno. I’m hungry, tho. I hit up the local market on Rīgas iela. It’s packed! People everywhere, like ants on a sugar hill. I’m dodging folks, trying not to spill my coffee.

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