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Sexual-massage – it’s old, mate, ancient-like. Them Romans had oily rubdowns, called ‘em “massagium” – fancy, eh? Bet they didn’t tell Caesar ‘bout the naughty bits! Me gets mad, yesss – them posh spas chargin’ 100 quid for a tease, outrageous! But happy too – some lass in Thailand told me once, “We fix soul, not just body,” and I felt that, precious, deep in me gnarly bones. Surprised? Oh yesss – heard a bloke got arrested mid-rub, pants down, copper says, “You’re nicked!” – hilarious, innit?

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Jānis pops in. He’s like, “Yo, you good?” I’m like, “No, man! I’m losing it!” He cracks a joke about my sewing skills. I roll my eyes, but I can’t help but laugh. That dude always knows how to lighten the mood.

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