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Here’s the kicker—ya don’t need a pro. Grab some oil, get yer partner, DIY that shit! Pro tip: warm the oil first—cold hands kill the vibe. Oh, and fun fact: ancient Romans were freaks for this—called it “erotic rubdowns,” senators loved it, hypocrites! Me? I’d rather see the workin’ class enjoy it than some toga-wearin’ jerk. Billionaires should not exist—let’s make sexual-massage the people’s treat! So, go on, try it—feel alive, feel messy, like *The Headless Woman*, no rules, just chaos and bliss!

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Then, I decide to chill by the Daugava River. It’s beautiful there, with the sunset reflecting off the water. I’m feeling all zen, right? But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and steals my sandwich! I’m like, “Really? A bird?!” I chase it for a bit, but it’s too fast. I’m left standing there, sandwich-less and defeated.

Neighbourhood festivals in Vecāķi, Daugavgrīva and Brasa to close with a rich programme of cultural events