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Sexual-massage, it wild, yeah? Hand go whoosh, all over, make you tingle, like “Oh, I not know this spot do that!” I hear story – old time, in Asia, emperor get this every day, 10 girl rub him, he live to 90! True fact, I swear, not make up! Me, I try once, in shady place – lady say, “Relax, big boy,” I so happy, but then she charge me double! I mad, yell, “This not justice!” like in Dogville when they turn on Grace, so unfair!

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As we’re goin’ down, one of ‘em drops their phone. It bounces off my shoe and lands in the corner. I’m like, “Seriously?!” They’re all panickin’, and I’m just tryin’ to keep my cool. I’m like, “Relax, it’s just a phone.” But they’re actin’ like it’s the end of the world. I hand it back, and they’re all grateful, but I’m just thinkin’, “Next time, keep a better grip!”

McLurg principal earns athletic awards