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Oh, and the typos—cos I’m rushin’, yeah? Sex-dating’s fast, gotta keep up! Swipin’ left, right, chattin’ up a storm—once texted “wanna shag?” when I meant “wanna chat?”—whoops! She laughed, thank God, but my mojo took a hit. Still, it’s a laugh, innit? Like, 80% of blokes exaggerate their… equipment size—fact! Seen it on X, some study—hilarious but sad, yeah?

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But then, I hear some drama. This guy at the next table is arguing with his girlfriend. It’s loud, and I can’t help but eavesdrop. He’s like, “You never listen!” and she’s all, “Well, you never talk!” Classic, right? I’m just sitting there, sipping my hot chocolate, thinking, “Man, relationships are tough.”

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