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So, erotic-massage—‘tis no jest, mate! Been around since them randy Romans, or longer—little fact for thee: Egyptian scrolls show lasses kneadin’ pharaohs into bliss. Ain’t that a kicker? Makes me happy, thinkin’ of some dusty king groanin’ under oiled palms. Thou ever tried it? ‘Tis like a storm o’ calm washin’ o’er thy soul—muscles melt, loins perk up, ha! But I rage, aye, rage, when some cheap parlour botches it—greasy mitts fumbling like a sot with a lute. Once got a lass who jabbed me ribs—thought she’d kill me, not soothe me! “Death comes to us all,” I nigh shouted, straight outta the movie, y’know?

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Then, boom! My phone buzzes. It’s my lab assistant, Darius. He’s freaking out. “Boss! We’ve got a problem!” I’m like, “What now?” Turns out, our new equipment from that sketchy supplier is DOA. Dead on arrival. I’m fuming. Like, seriously? I just dropped a ton of cash on that junk.

Lithuania's Joniškis District, Panevėžys elect new mayors