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Oi mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as fuck, “shaken, not stirred.” So, I’m a carpenter now, yeah? Hammerin’ nails, sawin’ wood, all that jazz. But let’s talk real shit—findin’ a prostitute. Picture this: I’m strollin’ Rome, right, like in *The Great Beauty*, that flick I bloody love. “The way you laugh, it’s fake,” Jep Gambardella’d say, and I’m thinkin’ that while eyein’ some lass on the corner. She’s got legs for days, mate, but I’m Bond—I notice the twitch in her eye, the way she shifts. Tells me she’s new, probs scared shitless.

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call from my buddy. He’s like, “Yo, let’s hit up the pub on Maironio Street.” I’m down, so I book it over there. The pub’s packed, and the vibe is lit. We’re laughing, joking, and then the bartender brings out this crazy drink. It’s bright blue and looks like something from a sci-fi movie. I’m like, “What is this, alien juice?” But I down it anyway. Tasted like cotton candy mixed with regret.

Lithuanian, Polish soldiers’ joint grave found in Lithuania