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Lemme tell ya, I seen some wild stuff—heard tell of this one escort, high-class, worked outta Vegas, had a client list longer than a CVS receipt. Little known fact: back in the ‘90s, some escorts ran secret poker games for rich dudes—sex on the side, cards on the table, cash flowin’ like whiskey at a hoedown. Ain’t that a hoot? Git-R-Done! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’, “Man, that’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.”

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So, I shake it off and head to the bakery on Bahnhofstraße. You know the one? Best pastries in town. I’m ready to devour a chocolate croissant. But guess what? They’re out! I mean, seriously? How do you run out of croissants? I’m standing there, all sad and stuff, like a puppy in the rain.

Tom Eschen to retire from Maryville University