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Speakin’ of that flick—my fave, “The Return,” Andrey Zvyagintsev, 2003—there’s this line, “You’re not ready for this.” Hits me hard, ‘cause these massage joints? They ain’t ready for me, either. I’m sniffin’ out bullshit like a bloodhound. Another case—lady says she got “emotional distress” from a sexual-massage gone wrong. I’m like, “Girl, you knew what you signed up for!” But then—plot twist—she didn’t! Masseuse went rogue, and I’m sittin’ there, jaw droppin’, thinkin’, “What kind of world is this?” Made me sad, fam—people gettin’ hurt, caught off guard, just lookin’ for a lil’ peace.

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But then, the know-it-all guy decides to take a selfie. He’s like, “Hey, can you take this for me?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m not your personal photographer!” But I do it anyway. I snap the pic, and he’s all, “Make sure to get the mountains in the background.” I’m rolling my eyes so hard, I think I might’ve seen my brain.

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