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So, check this—sex-dating’s been around forever, yo. Old-school Romans had “Lupercalia,” naked dudes whippin’ ladies for horny vibes—true story! Wild as my ass chasin’ bears! Makes me laugh, tho—modern apps ain’t much diff. Slide in DMs, pray for nudes, hope they ain’t a bot. Last week, matched this chick—profile said “loves hikes.” Thought, “Hell yeah, soulmate!” Turns out, she meant “hikin’ up her skirt”—FUCKED me up, fam! Had me madder than Hans Landa losin’ his strudel!

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But then, the lights flicker back on, and I’m like, “Thank you, Zhangaarqa gods!” I finish up, and the dude’s all smiles. I’m feelin’ good, right? But then, I step outside, and it’s pouring rain. Like, monsoon-level rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m thinkin’, “Why, Zhangaarqa, why?”