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Argh! I’m ready! Sex-dating, mateys! It’s wild out there, like chasin’ Jesse James! Picture this—swipin’ left, right, hopin’ for gold. “I’m ready!” I yell, divin’ into profiles. Some folks catfish harder than a Bikini Bottom fry cook! Saw this one dude—profile pic, total stud. Met up—bam! Looked like a soggy barnacle! Made me madder than a rattlesnake in a sack. “The life’s full of surprises,” like Jesse said.

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I finally get to the school, and my niece, Aisha, runs up to me. “Uncle, you smell like bread!” I laugh. “That’s the goal, kiddo!” We head back, and she’s chattering away about her day. Kids have the best stories.

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